| | Alright, I repent: from posting so little recently. Actually I really do repent I guess, because it's a symptom of something that's been a little wrong in me. Not sure what it is, but I'm a writer. It's the shape of the jar that He made and has poured Himself into. Recently, though, the desire to write has been as MIA as that giggly excitement that used to characterize me.
Maybe it's just getting older, but I'm feeling less and less like myself, and more and more like this prodigal pharisee who runs from one corner of God's character to the other. I just can't quite get a handle on it all. Every time I encounter that word 'steadfast' in my small little esv, I feel this trembling in my center. It's this weird pain and frustration that I want to be that so badly and am so far from it. I know we're all sinners, and I know we all need Jesus, but I'm just having one of those seasons where I feel painfully broken. Like, every time I move I can feel the shuffling of the broken pieces knocking around in my heart, and in my head I know - that my heart can't be broken, because it's brand new and breathed into me by His Spirit. But, maybe I really am a feeler, because that knowledge has no effect on what feels true.
This is all very rambley and 'run-on-ey'. I just made that word up. Bottom line: my feelings these days make me ashamed because of the truth I know. So, the pharisee in me conceals those stupid feelings - pretending everything is alright and all happiness is mine. And maybe that's not so bad - because I'm just acting in accordance with what is actually true - all happiness IS mine.
But in the darkness, with my Jesus, when I can't hold it together anymore, the prodigal comes spilling out, confessing that I feel so deeply broken. And I have for far too long. And that must be sin on some level because it's not in line with what's true, and it means I don't trust Him and every time I confess it, I confess that the blood of Jesus may be sufficient to make me pure and perfect in His sight, but it's not enough to make me feel pure and perfect in His sight. Every time I admit that weird sadness in me, my head reminds me that I'm exchanging the truth of my precious Jesus for some lie.
so, do with all that what you will. Mostly, I expect, you will just praise Jesus that your mind (hopefully) doesn't analyze everything as much as mine. Lean into the simple faith, if it's been given by His mercy.
As for me - I cling with feeble fingers to the ledge of His great grace. And I cling to the truth that what is true isn't shaped by how I feel, but rather - what is ACTUALLY true. And that's Him. And that is His blood - fully satisfying and infinitely perfect. And that is His Spirit - keeping me from letting go of the ledge of that great grace, and guaranteeing me the fairy tale ending that every little girl wants: me, face to face with the lover of my soul, finally feeling what I know is true.
|
| | Posted 2/14/2009 3:43 PM - 19 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
